Money and shame

ADHD, debt, dopamine spending — and why we need to talk about it.

Money, to me, has never just been money.

It’s oxygen.

Or the lack of it.

When I have it, I feel in control. Like I finally have power over my own life. I think clearer. I breathe deeper. I can plan ahead.

When I don’t, everything shifts. My chest tightens. My thoughts get loud. It feels like drowning quietly, fully aware that I should be able to fix it… but I can’t.

And underneath all of it, like a low hum you can’t turn off:

Shame.

…

Skaar Sorted was built to be this system.

The Part No One Teaches You About Money

I didn’t grow up without money. We had what we needed.

But we never talked about it.

No one explained budgeting.

No one explained debt.

No one explained how fast “small things” can become something heavy.

So when I moved out at sixteen, I didn’t just become independent.I became responsible for something I didn’t understand.

At eighteen, I had a financial guardian. It helped in the moment. Things were handled. But no one taught me how to handle them myself.

And when that structure disappeared, I was left alone with something I had never learned. That’s where the shame really started.

Because from the outside, it looks like adulthood.

From the inside, it feels like guessing your way through something everyone else already knows.

…

ADHD, Dopamine, and the Spending Loop

I don’t spend big.

I spend often.

Small things. Cheap things.

Things that feel harmless in the moment.

Planners. Systems. Things that promise to “fix me.”

They never do.

Because the problem was never the thing.

It was the moment I needed relief.

ADHD isn’t just about attention. It’s about regulation.

Research shows that adults with ADHD are significantly more likely to struggle with impulsive spending, missed payments, and debt. Some studies suggest they are up to 3–4 times more likely to experience serious financial difficulties.

And when you understand how the brain works, it makes sense.

The ADHD brain is constantly searching for dopamine. For something that makes the overwhelm quiet down.

Online shopping is designed perfectly for that:

Click - relief

Order - relief

Delivery - relief

Dopamine, in waves.

…

The Crash No One Sees

But the crash comes too. Also in waves. And when it hits, it’s not just regret.

It’s identity.

I don’t think: I shouldn’t have bought that.

I think:

I’m a bad mom.

A bad partner.

A bad adult.

That’s what shame does. It doesn’t stay in the situation. It spreads into who you believe you are.

…

Debt, Avoidance, and a Very Norwegian Reality

Debt isn’t just numbers.

It’s weight.

And in Norway, more people carry that weight than we like to admit.

Over 3 million Norwegians have some form of consumer debt, and a significant portion struggle to keep up with payments. At the same time, services like Gjeldsregisteret and debt counseling exist because this is not a rare problem. It’s a quiet one.

And ADHD makes it heavier.

Not just impulsivity.

But avoidance.

Forgetting.

Delaying.

Freezing.

There was a period where I didn’t open my mail for months.

Not because I didn’t care.

But because I cared so much that even seeing it felt overwhelming.

And the more you avoid it, the worse it gets.

That’s not a personal failure.

That’s a human response to pressure and shame.

…

The Moment Everything Broke

After a complete meltdown, I asked my dad for help.

That felt like failure.

We sat down and called collection agencies together.

I expected pressure. Judgment. Something harsh.

Instead, we got structure.

Payment plans. Calm voices. Solutions.

Something I wish more people knew:

They are often far more willing to help than you think.

And that moment didn’t fix everything.

But it changed something.

Enough for me to breathe again.

…

Why Shame Keeps This Cycle Alive

We talk about money like it’s math.

Income. Expenses. Numbers.

But for so many of us, it’s not.

It’s emotional regulation.

It’s coping.

It’s survival.

And shame thrives in silence.

The less we talk about it, the more it grows.

The more alone people feel in something that is actually incredibly common.

…

Building Something That Actually Works

I didn’t just want to “get better with money.”

I needed something that worked with my brain.

Not against it.

That’s why I created Skaar Sorted.

Not from a place of control.

But from losing it.

From needing something that works on the days where:

- you’re overwhelmed

- you don’t have energy

- you avoid things you know you shouldn’t

A system that doesn’t assume you’re perfect.

Because you’re not supposed to be.

…

This Isn’t About One App

Skaar Sorted is what works for me.

But this isn’t about one app.

It’s about changing how we approach money completely.

Less shame.

More honesty.

More systems that actually reflect real life.

Because the goal isn’t perfection.

It’s stability.

Breathing room.

A sense that you’re not constantly behind.

…

We Need to Talk About This

If there’s one thing I want this to do, it’s this:

Make it easier to talk about money.

The real version.

The messy version.

The overwhelming version.

The one where you’re trying, failing, trying again… and still feeling behind.

Because you are not alone in this.

Not in the spending.

Not in the avoidance.

Not in the shame.

And not in trying to get out of it.

There is hope.

There is help.

And sometimes, the first step isn’t fixing everything.

It’s just breaking the silence.

And maybe, slowly, building something better from there.